She switched on the lights and looked at me with a huge smile on her face.
That beautiful smile that makes everything brighter.
"Am I not beautiful?" She asks.
"Oh, yes, you are. Always and every day" I smile back.
"..But you are not fooling me." I add.
"Well, who said I was fooling anyone?" That smirk.
"You are scared.. your eyes are red.. don't you think I can see that?"
Silence.
Her smile fades.
"This is the ... night?" I asked.
"Third, or second," she answers. "I'm not counting" she adds.
"They are slipping through your fingers?"
Silence.
"You know you can't keep everything forever."
Silence.
"Fate is fate, you can't stop it"
"But.. I prayed for that future, I prayed a lot. I prayed so much"
"Fate is fate, you can't stop it"
She cries.
"Why?"
"What why? Why doesn't fit in here. Fate is fate, you can't stop it"
Tears, I hate tears.
"They say prayers can stop fate?" She asks.
You can sense the sound of hope in her voice. She wants me to give her hope.
"Prayers do help."
She smiles.
"but they can't stop fate..."
She is losing track.
She looks at me "But they do help, you said.. just tell me how."
"I don't know much" I smile.
She smiles.
"You are smiling."
"I like it when you smile. Smiles give me hope."
"Everything gives you hope" I smile again. "Prayers do help, but why would you want to stop fate anyway?"
"Because I'm scared and my eyes are red. And it won't be long before they all realize that."
"Why do you want to stop fate?"
"Because I'm scared."
"That is what prayers are for."
"What?"
"Prayers help when you are scared however they don't stop fate.. I personally have no idea, why people assume that fate will always bring them evil.. Fate is not evil. Fate is fate, can't be stopped. Fate is fate.. can't be stopped. Can't be stopped."
She turns around.
"You are right, it can't be stopped. Fate can't be stopped. But it can be changed."
1/30/2013
12/26/2012
Thankful.
Dear God, this year I won't complain. I will only be thankful and grateful for you have given me a lot.
Dear God, I want to thank you for my parents. Thank you for making me their daughter and making them my parents. I hope I can one day make them as proud and as happy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dear God, I want to thank you for making me get closer to my family this year. I realized this year that family is important. Family is precious. Family is love. Family is sacrifice.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dear God, I want to thank you for giving me my friends. They help me. They make me happy. They make me rich. I realize now that nothing is more valuable than their love and care.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dear God, I want to thank you for the past two years that I spent with him. He is what I asked for. He makes me a better person. My life makes more sense around him.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dear God, I want to thank you for all the people you gave me this year. The new friends I made, the people who changed me, the people who taught me, the people who made me open my heart a little bit more and the people who made me laugh and made me feel loved. I love them all.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dear God, I want to thank you for the food on the table, the money in my wallet and the medicine I took when I got sick. I realize that I am much more fortunate than others. I hope I never forget that again.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dear God, I want to thank you for my education. I realized this year, that education is a privilege because even though it is a right not all people can get it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dear God, I want to thank you for the lessons. This year I learned more than last year. This year I understood more. This year I trust you more than before because I know that you love me. I am now more mature.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dear God, I want to thank you for your forgiveness. For without it I wouldn't have any hope left. I hope I can one day forgive people like you do.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dear God, I want to thank you for the books and the eyes that can read these books. I want to thank you for the ears that can hear their stories and the mind that doesn't forget them, in order to learn. I want to thank you for the mouth that speaks words that can make people feel better and the arms that can hug them and make them feel the love.
Thank you.
Dear God, I want to thank you for my smile. I want to thank you for the heart that has faith and knows how to trust.
Thank you.
Dear God, thank you for giving me endless chances this year and thank you for giving me another chance to thank you.
Thank you.
Dear God, I want to thank you for my smile. I want to thank you for the heart that has faith and knows how to trust.
Thank you.
Dear God, thank you for giving me endless chances this year and thank you for giving me another chance to thank you.
Dear God, I understand that all the difficult times are supposed to make me stronger. I'm trying.
Thank you for wanting the best for me.
Thank you for wanting the best for me.
Dear God, I understand now that the sad moments will eventually help me be a better person and I am thankful. I understand that what I lost maybe was never really mine. I understand that you don't want to hurt me. I hope you are proud.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dear God, I understand now how unfair I sometimes was. I am not as angry anymore.
Thank you for giving me peace.
Thank you for giving me peace.
Dear God, I realize now that blessings can not be counted and that they won't ever fit in one or even 1000 blog posts. I will never be able to thank you enough.
http://iriskwok.xanga.com/591767017/item/ (English Translation)
12/03/2012
Invisible.
Dear world, today I was invisible except that I wasn't really invisible.
It all started almost two weeks ago when N.H. told me about that art project she is doing and how she'd need my help to finish it. I was pretty excited when I found out that the project was about the different voices of women in Egypt and that she'll have to photograph me wearing different outfits to be able to represent all kinds of women in our country. Days passed and a few days ago I found her reminding me and asking me if I was still interested to help and of course I was. We decided that the photoshoot was going to take place today around 11:30 which is directly after I finish my 10:00 am class.
The idea was easy yet unique, N.H. wanted to represent all kinds of Egyptian women using different outfits and to change the stereotypes connected to each and every category using placards. We knew exactly what was needed, we needed a headscarf, a cross, an isdal (some sort of a dress that is loose and completely covers the head and body) and a niqab.
I woke up today feeling pretty excited. I love taking pictures, I love every project that revolves around women and to be honest I was pretty much excited about the niqab part although I've always been anti-niqab for different and a lot of reasons.
As soon as I finished my Rhet class I whatsapp-ed N.H. asking her where she was, "Library, first floor" "Okay, I'll be there in a minute". On my way I met a few friends, said hi, stayed for a few minutes with them and then excused myself, however before I could move I was stopped by K.B. who asked me if I was busy with something to which I replied that I'm actually going to help a friend with a project but he was welcome to join us if he wants because "mesh 7atsada2, 7albes niqab we keda, fa ta3ala etfarag hahaha". He in fact decided to come with me.
Together with K.B. or as we all call him K. we went to N.H. who was sitting with some more friends working on the placards only to realize seconds later that we didn't really have the camera at the moment. N.H. decided to leave for a few minutes to bring the camera and K. decided to go see his friend and of course I went with him because I didn't want to stay alone like a total loser. Less than 30 minutes later I found N.H. calling me again and telling me that she was ready to start, so I went again to her however alone this time because K. decided to stay with his friend.
I went there, hold that sign in my hand, took several photos, hold that other sign in my hand, took some more photos, covered my head and again took some photos etc. until it was the moment for the niqabi shots (I actually asked her to make it the last outfit because I wanted to fool around a bit while wearing it).
I wore the brown isdal, covered my head using a black headscarf and waited for N.H and her friend to help me with that thing that should cover my face. I stood there for a few minutes completely blind because they couldn't put it on properly. And then I almost suffocated because they somehow put it on my nose and I couldn't breathe. After several trials we finally managed to get it right and I stood there covered from head to toe and took the pictures.
We finished in less than 10 minutes and as promised it was time for me to have some fun. I got my phone from my bag and the first thing I realized was that I had to take the gloves off because it was impossible to touch the screen with covered fingers. "Does the touchscreen respond?" "Nop, not really, omal ento fakrin el niqab sahl wala eh? HAHAHAHA".
I called K. and asked him to come immediately to the stairs next to the library because I had to show him something, he apologized and said that he was eating but I insisted and then after some please's and wenabi ba2a 3ashan 5atry's he finally said that he was coming.
I stood there waiting for K. and as I was waiting I saw F.S.S. who went to my school but was one year older and whose sister is a very close friend of mine. I smiled and looked at her. She looked at me and the turned her head.
"Shiiit, el bent di te3rafny, I smiled we heya ma3abaretnish"
"Smiled eh bas ya May, ya 7abibty mesh bayen"
"Tab howa mesh bayen en da ana 5ales?"
"La2, akid"
"Eh, daa el bent di beteshta3'al ma3aya, damn ana a3rafha men 4 senin, how come she doesn't recognize me? Yalahwy, heya ezay bet-stare awy kda? Eh da, K. aho geh, we ma3ah N.O."
As soon as K. arrived I ran to him and was like haaa, watcha think, boooy? He replied with a laugh and a "Ye5reb beitek ya magnoona, eh da"
"Yalla, emshy ma3aya, 3ashan A.T. mesh 3ayez yemshy ma3aya wana labsa keda"
"La2, akid mesh 7amshy ma3aky wenty keda"
"Eh ya dude, everyone knows you are Christian, som3etak mesh hatbooz hahaha"
He hesitated for a second but then N.O. told me not to give a shit about what they say and that she will walk with me till I get bored.
We started walking but stopped again after less than two minutes.
"K., el7a2 M.S. ahe, endahha, endaha yalla"
"M. ya M."
M.S. has been my class mate since the first grade and has been a close friend of mine since we were 12. It was all fun and games until that moment.
M.S. almost whispering "Eh da K. ezayak?"
K. "El 7dl, wenty?"
M.S. looks at me for less than a second "Hi" and then immediately looks away "Ana 7dl, kuwayessa, enta bete3mel eh kda?"
K. "Yaany, eshta mashyeen"
M.S. still whispering "Oh, okay, bye".
We laughed and laughed and accused her of being "day3a", I mean she didn't even recognize her close and childhood friend, so wtf?
We were about to move again when I saw my friend and boyfriend's sister H.K. staring at K. and then looking at me and screaming "Ye5reb beitek, eh eli enty 3mlah da? Leh keda yabenty?" Apparently she recognized me through my eyes and eyebrows which were not covered properly. I then spent a few seconds explaining to her what I was doing and that it's some sort of an experiment (I decided that I'm going to call it an experiment since it wasn't fun and games anymore).
"Tab gam3a, I want to meet people I know and see their reactions"
H.K. "Okay yalla neroo7 MUN booth"
On our way to the MUN booth I literally saw how people were staring at me, I could feel their stares on my skin and it burned and it hurt and I hated it. I could almost hear their brains commenting and disapproving. I literally hated it and I remembered how the AUC student and Caravan writer described the day she wore niqab to AUC.
I felt like I was there but was not there. I was there because people were staring and stopping to stare however I had no identity, no one knew who I was, my friends looked at me and didn't know who I was, no one recognized me even when I tried to make eye contact they just looked the other way.
It was hot and I couldn't breathe properly and my eyes hurt and I saw how two security dudes stopped, stared at me, smiled and then continued walking.
We arrived at the booth, to my surprise almost everyone who was there knew me somehow, I expected someone to recognize me and laugh, I had told them earlier anyway that I was helping a friend with a photoshoot. But no, they didn't. Y.M. looked at me and turned around, a guy and a girl who talked to me before literally started moving in the opposite direction after they stared at me. I wanted to shout at them and tell them "Heeyyy, it's me guys, it's meeeee", but I didn't.
I don't clearly remember the following few minutes but I do know that someone told them it was me, and that someone removed the veil to make sure it was really me. I asked where H.A.F. was, I knew for a fact that she'd know it's me, she has been one of my closest friends since I was 4 and she is friends with N.H. and she knew about the project. I asked them to call her name, and to pretend that I am some niqabi girl who is asking about MUN. They did, and she hesitated at first, she didn't want to come but after a few "yalla ba2a ya H. ta3aly" she came. She didn't look at me, she totally ignored my existence and talked to someone else. I tried to make eye contact and she tried to look at me to find out who the fuck I was. I stood there for a few seconds before realizing that I was really invisible. "A7a ya H. enty begad mesh 3arfa en da ana? A7a, a7a yaany", I said, "Yanhar eswed, yanhar eswed, wana a3rafek ezay wenty 3amla keda yaany?"
She was right, heya fe3lan 7at3rafny ezay wana 3amla keda? I'm no one, no identity, no face, no one knows who I am, no one is interested to know who I am. After several requests to take it off I decided to go back to N.H. and on our way back (K. , N.O. , and H.K. were all with me) I again felt the stares burning my skin. Funny thing one of my relatively new friends (I only know him since last year O.D.) recognized me and asked me "Eh eli enty mehabebah da?". Well, at least two people knew who I was.
All three K., H.K. and N.O. admitted that they felt how people were staring, so it wasn't only me then.
So I finally got back to N.H. took a picture (some of my friends didn't even recognize me in that picture later) of myself and took it off, and yes I admit it, it was a bad experience but it took me a while to realize that.
It wasn't a bad experience because people are judgmental. Those who know me know that I don't give a damn whether someone is judging me or not. It also wasn't a bad experience because people were staring, as an Egyptian woman I have to deal with the stares on daily basis. And it wasn't a bad experience because it wasn't as fun as I expected it to be. It was a bad experience because I hated being invisible, I hated not having an identity, I hated how the closest people to me had no idea who I was. I hated how I wasn't there while directly standing next to them.
I do not ever want to be invisible again. I am a woman, I exist, I have rights. I am here and I AM FREE.
It all started almost two weeks ago when N.H. told me about that art project she is doing and how she'd need my help to finish it. I was pretty excited when I found out that the project was about the different voices of women in Egypt and that she'll have to photograph me wearing different outfits to be able to represent all kinds of women in our country. Days passed and a few days ago I found her reminding me and asking me if I was still interested to help and of course I was. We decided that the photoshoot was going to take place today around 11:30 which is directly after I finish my 10:00 am class.
The idea was easy yet unique, N.H. wanted to represent all kinds of Egyptian women using different outfits and to change the stereotypes connected to each and every category using placards. We knew exactly what was needed, we needed a headscarf, a cross, an isdal (some sort of a dress that is loose and completely covers the head and body) and a niqab.
I woke up today feeling pretty excited. I love taking pictures, I love every project that revolves around women and to be honest I was pretty much excited about the niqab part although I've always been anti-niqab for different and a lot of reasons.
As soon as I finished my Rhet class I whatsapp-ed N.H. asking her where she was, "Library, first floor" "Okay, I'll be there in a minute". On my way I met a few friends, said hi, stayed for a few minutes with them and then excused myself, however before I could move I was stopped by K.B. who asked me if I was busy with something to which I replied that I'm actually going to help a friend with a project but he was welcome to join us if he wants because "mesh 7atsada2, 7albes niqab we keda, fa ta3ala etfarag hahaha". He in fact decided to come with me.
Together with K.B. or as we all call him K. we went to N.H. who was sitting with some more friends working on the placards only to realize seconds later that we didn't really have the camera at the moment. N.H. decided to leave for a few minutes to bring the camera and K. decided to go see his friend and of course I went with him because I didn't want to stay alone like a total loser. Less than 30 minutes later I found N.H. calling me again and telling me that she was ready to start, so I went again to her however alone this time because K. decided to stay with his friend.
I went there, hold that sign in my hand, took several photos, hold that other sign in my hand, took some more photos, covered my head and again took some photos etc. until it was the moment for the niqabi shots (I actually asked her to make it the last outfit because I wanted to fool around a bit while wearing it).
I wore the brown isdal, covered my head using a black headscarf and waited for N.H and her friend to help me with that thing that should cover my face. I stood there for a few minutes completely blind because they couldn't put it on properly. And then I almost suffocated because they somehow put it on my nose and I couldn't breathe. After several trials we finally managed to get it right and I stood there covered from head to toe and took the pictures.
We finished in less than 10 minutes and as promised it was time for me to have some fun. I got my phone from my bag and the first thing I realized was that I had to take the gloves off because it was impossible to touch the screen with covered fingers. "Does the touchscreen respond?" "Nop, not really, omal ento fakrin el niqab sahl wala eh? HAHAHAHA".
I called K. and asked him to come immediately to the stairs next to the library because I had to show him something, he apologized and said that he was eating but I insisted and then after some please's and wenabi ba2a 3ashan 5atry's he finally said that he was coming.
I stood there waiting for K. and as I was waiting I saw F.S.S. who went to my school but was one year older and whose sister is a very close friend of mine. I smiled and looked at her. She looked at me and the turned her head.
"Shiiit, el bent di te3rafny, I smiled we heya ma3abaretnish"
"Smiled eh bas ya May, ya 7abibty mesh bayen"
"Tab howa mesh bayen en da ana 5ales?"
"La2, akid"
"Eh, daa el bent di beteshta3'al ma3aya, damn ana a3rafha men 4 senin, how come she doesn't recognize me? Yalahwy, heya ezay bet-stare awy kda? Eh da, K. aho geh, we ma3ah N.O."
As soon as K. arrived I ran to him and was like haaa, watcha think, boooy? He replied with a laugh and a "Ye5reb beitek ya magnoona, eh da"
"Yalla, emshy ma3aya, 3ashan A.T. mesh 3ayez yemshy ma3aya wana labsa keda"
"La2, akid mesh 7amshy ma3aky wenty keda"
"Eh ya dude, everyone knows you are Christian, som3etak mesh hatbooz hahaha"
He hesitated for a second but then N.O. told me not to give a shit about what they say and that she will walk with me till I get bored.
We started walking but stopped again after less than two minutes.
"K., el7a2 M.S. ahe, endahha, endaha yalla"
"M. ya M."
M.S. has been my class mate since the first grade and has been a close friend of mine since we were 12. It was all fun and games until that moment.
M.S. almost whispering "Eh da K. ezayak?"
K. "El 7dl, wenty?"
M.S. looks at me for less than a second "Hi" and then immediately looks away "Ana 7dl, kuwayessa, enta bete3mel eh kda?"
K. "Yaany, eshta mashyeen"
M.S. still whispering "Oh, okay, bye".
We laughed and laughed and accused her of being "day3a", I mean she didn't even recognize her close and childhood friend, so wtf?
We were about to move again when I saw my friend and boyfriend's sister H.K. staring at K. and then looking at me and screaming "Ye5reb beitek, eh eli enty 3mlah da? Leh keda yabenty?" Apparently she recognized me through my eyes and eyebrows which were not covered properly. I then spent a few seconds explaining to her what I was doing and that it's some sort of an experiment (I decided that I'm going to call it an experiment since it wasn't fun and games anymore).
"Tab gam3a, I want to meet people I know and see their reactions"
H.K. "Okay yalla neroo7 MUN booth"
On our way to the MUN booth I literally saw how people were staring at me, I could feel their stares on my skin and it burned and it hurt and I hated it. I could almost hear their brains commenting and disapproving. I literally hated it and I remembered how the AUC student and Caravan writer described the day she wore niqab to AUC.
I felt like I was there but was not there. I was there because people were staring and stopping to stare however I had no identity, no one knew who I was, my friends looked at me and didn't know who I was, no one recognized me even when I tried to make eye contact they just looked the other way.
It was hot and I couldn't breathe properly and my eyes hurt and I saw how two security dudes stopped, stared at me, smiled and then continued walking.
We arrived at the booth, to my surprise almost everyone who was there knew me somehow, I expected someone to recognize me and laugh, I had told them earlier anyway that I was helping a friend with a photoshoot. But no, they didn't. Y.M. looked at me and turned around, a guy and a girl who talked to me before literally started moving in the opposite direction after they stared at me. I wanted to shout at them and tell them "Heeyyy, it's me guys, it's meeeee", but I didn't.
I don't clearly remember the following few minutes but I do know that someone told them it was me, and that someone removed the veil to make sure it was really me. I asked where H.A.F. was, I knew for a fact that she'd know it's me, she has been one of my closest friends since I was 4 and she is friends with N.H. and she knew about the project. I asked them to call her name, and to pretend that I am some niqabi girl who is asking about MUN. They did, and she hesitated at first, she didn't want to come but after a few "yalla ba2a ya H. ta3aly" she came. She didn't look at me, she totally ignored my existence and talked to someone else. I tried to make eye contact and she tried to look at me to find out who the fuck I was. I stood there for a few seconds before realizing that I was really invisible. "A7a ya H. enty begad mesh 3arfa en da ana? A7a, a7a yaany", I said, "Yanhar eswed, yanhar eswed, wana a3rafek ezay wenty 3amla keda yaany?"
She was right, heya fe3lan 7at3rafny ezay wana 3amla keda? I'm no one, no identity, no face, no one knows who I am, no one is interested to know who I am. After several requests to take it off I decided to go back to N.H. and on our way back (K. , N.O. , and H.K. were all with me) I again felt the stares burning my skin. Funny thing one of my relatively new friends (I only know him since last year O.D.) recognized me and asked me "Eh eli enty mehabebah da?". Well, at least two people knew who I was.
All three K., H.K. and N.O. admitted that they felt how people were staring, so it wasn't only me then.
So I finally got back to N.H. took a picture (some of my friends didn't even recognize me in that picture later) of myself and took it off, and yes I admit it, it was a bad experience but it took me a while to realize that.
I do not ever want to be invisible again. I am a woman, I exist, I have rights. I am here and I AM FREE.
6/19/2012
"الناس على دين ملوكهم"
من المضحك جداً إن بعض الناس تتهم ناس تانية بالسطحية الشديدة مع إن هما إلي بيعانو من بعض الجهل. "الناس على دين ملوكهم" أنا قررت إنهردة أتكلم فالموضوع ده و اكتب كمان بالعربي مع اني عرفة اني ممكن أعمل أخطاء إملائية كتير، بس الأخطاء عمرها ما كانت عيب، الإعتراف بالخطأ أول طريق للاصلاح.
زي ما قلت فوق الناس على دين ملوكهم، أيام الملك كانت مصر عملة ازاي؟ مصر كانت من أكتر البلاد رقياً و حضارة، جمال اه و نظافة اه و شياكة اه و حلاوة اه. الناس كانت شبعانة و محترمة زي ملوكهم. كان عندنا حاجة اسمها إقتصاد، الإقتصاد اللي الناس إللي في سننا تقريباً عمرهم ما شافوه مرتفع. كانت ناس محترمة و متدينة بيطبقو الدين فالبيت، الإحترام والفضيلة كانو شئ عادي و طبيعي في كل بيت، كانت ناس عرفة يعني اه دين, يعني اه دين بجد، كان الدين المعاملة مش التدين المظهري اللي باءة في كل حتة، ناس كانت عايشة في سلام مسلمين و مسحيين و يهود. أيوة يهود، عشان ده التدين اللي بحق و حقيقي، معتقدش حد من زمنهم كانو عمرو ممكن يخاف مل فتنة الطائفية إللي سبحان الله بأت حاجة مرعبة و عادي جداً انها تحصل مع إن الناس بأت المفروض يعني متدينة. كان الشارع المصري بيتميز بالإحترام. عشان حكامهم كانو محترمين. أيوة كان في إحتلال في وقت و كان في حروب في أوقات تانية بس الناس كانت عايشة و مرتاحة و راضية، عارفين يعني اه راضيين؟ عندهم أكل نضيف، اولادهم مش بس بيتعلمو لأ كمان عايزين يتعلمو و يبئو أحسن.
جت الثورة و فجأة بدأت بوادر تغير تبان عالمواطن. مع الأيام بدأ الإنحدار، كل سنة أسوأ من اللي قبلها. الناس مبقتش الناس ولا الشوارع بقت شوارع، بقت النظافة رفاهية والإحترام باءة شئ نادر لم تشوفو متصدقش و تقول ياه ده لسة في ناس محترمة أهو. باءة عادي انك تلاقي واحد بيتبول على جانب الطريق وعادي جداً لما واحد ينف أو يتف و يمسح فالسور, مش كدا بس لأ ده كمان باءة في تحرش و معاكسة و كلام بذيء و تصرفات غير مسؤولة و غير محترمة. مبقاش حد طايق حد. إنحدار فالذوق العام إنحدار فالأخلاقيات.
لما حسني مبارك جه الناس بقت على دينو. هو مش شبعان هو بيسرقنا والناس بأت زيو، مش شبعانة، حرامية. الرشوة بقت حاجة عادية. والمحسوبية مبقتش توجع الودن لما تسمعها. بقى جمال مبارك يعد مع ناس أكبر منه سنا و علماً و مكانة و يعاملهم بقمة قلت الإحترام. فكان طبيعي جداً لما تلاقي العيال بتشتم أهلها و يشتمو الكبار فالشارع. و عادي جداً جداً بردو لما نلاقي إلناس نسيت يعني اه "من علمني حرفاً صرت له عبداً" و بأو عادي يضربو المدرسين. مش بقولكو الناس على دين ملوكهم؟
نيجي فجأة نلاقي من اللي يمسك البلد بعد ثورة مات عشنها ناس؟ بعد ثورة المفروض انها ابهرت العالم؟ بعض ثورة المفروض انها ثورة عل ظلم والغلط والفساد.. واحد من جماعة بتؤمن إن الست مكانها بيتها، طبعاً في حالة انها مطلقة أو عانس الوضع يختلف، هي كدا ممكن تشتغل. نيجي نلاقي الرئيس الجديد بيستنكر إن بنتو تلبس "البنطلون" و بعدن نتهم احنا بالسطحية الشديدة. فجأة نلاقي رئيس بيقول إن احنا معندناش حالة عنف من الزوج ضد الزوجة للضغط عليها عشان المعاشرة الزوجية، و احنا ماشالله من أكتر البلاد إللي عندنا عنف ضد المرأة عامةً مش بس عشان المعاشرة الزوجية لأ عشان احنا تاني أكتر دولة عندها ختان و عادي الواحد يضرب مراتو عشان جه ملقاش أكل و عادي أخ يقتل أخته عشان شك في سلوكها، عادي عادي، كلو عادي، احنا سطحيين جداً فعلاً. فجأة رئيسنا يبئة بينتمي لجماعة سياسية بتدي رشاوي عشان توصل لحكم البلد، و سبحان الله في نفس الوقت بتوعد بتطبيق الشريعة، علاقل لو كان شفيق ولا مبارك ادو رشاوى فهما مكنوش لابسين رداء الدين. والأهم إن احنا فجأة نلاقي رئيس البلد مش هو صاحب القرار، المرشد هو المتحكم فيه، يعني لا مؤاخذة طرطور. عايزين باءة الشعب يبقى عامل ازاي؟
الناس مش حتشبع عشان حكامنا مش شبعانين، الجشع حيزيد عشان كلنا عارفين حال الاخوان. مش بس كدا لأ شوف باءة "ما بني على باطل فهو باطل" اللي أخد الحكم بالغش والضحك عل ناس لايمكن ننتظر مل ناس انها تتغير عشان ملوكهم فاسدة. واللي يضحك أكتر و أكتر الناس اللي فكرة إن التعليم حيتطور، مبدئياً كدا التعليم واخد في مشروع النهضة اللي هو 80 صفحة ما يوازي صفحة. و بعدن الناس اللي أصلاً كسبت بجهل الناس تفتكرو عمرها ممكن تدمر المصدر الأساسي لمكسبها و تعلم الناس؟ مظنش
5/25/2012
Something Must Be Wrong
I spent some time in front of my mirror trying to figure out what I was going to wear and trying to look good. I decided to wear my new light torn pair of jeans and my brown t-shirt. I was going to the cinema with my friends and all excited and happy since I'm on vacation and this is summer and stuff. I decided earlier to look all summery and happy, therefore put my yellow nail polish on, the one that makes me in a very good mood every time I look at my fingers. I looked one more time at myself before leaving the house, "God, I still look like a 15 year old girl, mesh ma32ool" I told myself but then smiled, knowing that in 20 or 30 years this is going to be one hell of a privilege.
Earlier this year I found out that if I put the emsho-men-odamy-ya-welad-el-kalb-expression on my face the amount of sexual harassment will decrease, little did I know that today was going to be an exception.
I reached the metro station and as I was waiting a man came and decided to stand next to me. 3ady. After a few seconds I realized that the girls next to me were laughing, I turned around and found out that "apparently" he had been staring at me and smiling or something (God knows what he was doing), which was obviously funny for the girls next to me. Next thing I knew he was talking dirty about me to two men who were fixing something. I heard them laughing, saying something about my breasts and how awesome the view must be. I tried to ignore it. Tell you the truth, didn't feel like ruining my mood, after all he's just one of those bastards who are 3ala ra2y omy "kano 5adamin 3andena". But who am I kidding? I'm May Seoud, I do not shut up, I do not know how to shut up.
As soon as the metro arrived I got into it as fast as I could and then immediately gave the man the finger. He stared at me not believing that I actually did this and then said something, that I can't remember at this very moment, which pissed me real off and made me call him "5awal". Before I could realize anything, I had Pepsi all over me, apparently the bastard threw Pepsi at me, what do you think happened next? No I didn't stop, this was going too far, and stopping now would give him the satisfaction he wants, would make him feel in control of the situation and would definitely make him feel powerful, and I couldn't let this happen. I cursed more, called him 5awal, 7aywan and wese5, he screamed at me saying "7atla3 adba7ek" and this time, threw his Pepsi can at me. Unfortunately or luckily, not quite sure, the doors closed and I was standing there humiliated and shocked. I didn't see this coming, what the fuck just happened?
I suddenly found myself talking to people about sexual harassment while shaking, explaining why it happens, telling them that we shouldn't shut up, that it's our right to be treated equally, and to my surprise the majority supported me, saying things like "walahy enty gad3a" "enty sa7" "lazem kolena ne3mel zayek" "da law kan tele3 kona ata3nah" and that's when I started crying.
I could't control my self. I cried because not a single man asked him to stop. I cried because he was not only wese5 but also bege7. I cried because a woman told me that I'm a beautiful girl and that's why I should cover myself, and I cried because another told me that the man only did that because I pissed him off. Because yeah, totally, he didn't piss me off. Because yeah totally, talking dirty to me is definitely not worth being pissed off.
I BBMed a male relative asking him to get me an electric shocker, this is the first time I consider carrying something like that and also the first time I consider getting a car, because apparently this is not the best time for thinking about the environment or the taking-the-metro-definitely-can-solve-the-traffic-problem-concept.
I think something is definitely wrong when a 7 year old boy offers me "3 geneh 3ashan bas yeda5alo". I think something is definitely wrong when I only feel safe when a man walks the streets with me. I think something is definitely wrong when a man talks dirty to me and finds it weird when I insult him. Something must be wrong.. and we have to change that.
Earlier this year I found out that if I put the emsho-men-odamy-ya-welad-el-kalb-expression on my face the amount of sexual harassment will decrease, little did I know that today was going to be an exception.
I reached the metro station and as I was waiting a man came and decided to stand next to me. 3ady. After a few seconds I realized that the girls next to me were laughing, I turned around and found out that "apparently" he had been staring at me and smiling or something (God knows what he was doing), which was obviously funny for the girls next to me. Next thing I knew he was talking dirty about me to two men who were fixing something. I heard them laughing, saying something about my breasts and how awesome the view must be. I tried to ignore it. Tell you the truth, didn't feel like ruining my mood, after all he's just one of those bastards who are 3ala ra2y omy "kano 5adamin 3andena". But who am I kidding? I'm May Seoud, I do not shut up, I do not know how to shut up.
As soon as the metro arrived I got into it as fast as I could and then immediately gave the man the finger. He stared at me not believing that I actually did this and then said something, that I can't remember at this very moment, which pissed me real off and made me call him "5awal". Before I could realize anything, I had Pepsi all over me, apparently the bastard threw Pepsi at me, what do you think happened next? No I didn't stop, this was going too far, and stopping now would give him the satisfaction he wants, would make him feel in control of the situation and would definitely make him feel powerful, and I couldn't let this happen. I cursed more, called him 5awal, 7aywan and wese5, he screamed at me saying "7atla3 adba7ek" and this time, threw his Pepsi can at me. Unfortunately or luckily, not quite sure, the doors closed and I was standing there humiliated and shocked. I didn't see this coming, what the fuck just happened?
I suddenly found myself talking to people about sexual harassment while shaking, explaining why it happens, telling them that we shouldn't shut up, that it's our right to be treated equally, and to my surprise the majority supported me, saying things like "walahy enty gad3a" "enty sa7" "lazem kolena ne3mel zayek" "da law kan tele3 kona ata3nah" and that's when I started crying.
I could't control my self. I cried because not a single man asked him to stop. I cried because he was not only wese5 but also bege7. I cried because a woman told me that I'm a beautiful girl and that's why I should cover myself, and I cried because another told me that the man only did that because I pissed him off. Because yeah, totally, he didn't piss me off. Because yeah totally, talking dirty to me is definitely not worth being pissed off.
I BBMed a male relative asking him to get me an electric shocker, this is the first time I consider carrying something like that and also the first time I consider getting a car, because apparently this is not the best time for thinking about the environment or the taking-the-metro-definitely-can-solve-the-traffic-problem-concept.
I think something is definitely wrong when a 7 year old boy offers me "3 geneh 3ashan bas yeda5alo". I think something is definitely wrong when I only feel safe when a man walks the streets with me. I think something is definitely wrong when a man talks dirty to me and finds it weird when I insult him. Something must be wrong.. and we have to change that.
5/24/2012
May Is Back, Back Again. May Is Back, Tell A Friend. May Is Back, May Is Back.
Dear readers, this is going to be long.
The last two weeks probably taught me more than the last three years or something, I'll tell you why and how, just be patient and listen to my stories.
So basically, I've just found out that the biggest problem we face in Egypt is not procrastination, it's also not the traffic, and it is not the lazy people who do not want to work, and it is not the pollution. Our biggest problem, dear readers is.. *drum roll* double standards. You'd laugh if it's a joke about the Jews and you'd think that Hitler is awesome but if the joke is about Muslims and the Arabs dying in *insert the name of any country* you'll tweet and curse and hate and everything. If the niquabi women in front of you is being discriminated against, you'll laugh and blame her, but if the Christian women you know faced any problem you'll start complaining about how minorities don't have rights in Egypt. It's totally okay to say that the west is a bunch of "kafara" but it's totally unfair and oh-my-God-what-do-they-know if they say that we are a bunch of "gahala". It's okay if your son has a girlfriend but it's a catastrophe if your daughter is in love. It's okay if a man has an affair because "el ragel may3eboosh 7aga" but a woman is whore if she has an affair although and also ironically God doesn't know or accept double standards. In front of him we are all equal, our skin color, our religion or our sex is never an excuse. Double standards guys, double standards. And you know what is worse than double standards? Saying that double standards are funny.Because no, they are not.
Apparently people do not grow up when they get older. Turns out, growing up has nothing to do with age and it also does not necessarily depend on what one went through, it depends more on how people regard things and on how they behave. You can be a 10 year old boy and more responsible than a 30 year old man. You can be a 19 year old girl who is now supporting her family financially and you can be a 19 year old girl who still depends on her parents and asks them to solve her problems for her. You can be a lot of things and you can be nothing at all, it just depends on what you want to think about before you fall asleep.
It's kinda funny that a lot of people who go through a lot of shit tend to believe that they are the only ones who go through shit. Contrary to everyone's beliefs everyone goes through a lot of shit. Even if they don't look like the kind of people who go through shit, believe it or not, you might be a privileged bitch compared to her or him. So basically let's stop judging and let's stop giving excuses. I don't know what you went through, it must be real bad though, because I have a lot of problems, too. So I understand. But then again, I control myself and I don't go all psycho over people's asses and that's why I'm going to expect you to behave. Not going to give you any excuses.
Turns out, I'm the kind of person who does not just give second chances or third chances or even fourth, I give *insert any big number* chances. I have no idea why though. I tried to analyze this situation and some others as well. It might be the need, the love, the care, the memories you do not want to waste or the 3ashan-mafish-7al-tany. I seriously am not sure. Or maybe it is the blood that runs in my veins.
They say being with a smart and talented man is a blessing but being with a man who does not know it, is a miracle.Bullshit. They've told me not to show him how great he is because he might just leave. Bullshit. The man I love is a very talented and smart man. He is great beyond imagination. He forgives and gives a lot of chances. He helps others and is always there to listen to them even if he needs someone to listen to him. He makes people laugh and he tries his best to make them feel better. He deserves to know how great he is, this is the least I can do.
There's a huge difference between being strict and between being crazy. A lot warned me, told me she's crazy and too-strict-to-be-true. I take risks, a lot of them. I went and took the course. People would ask me if I'm okay and if I was going to pass this course. Their questions didn't make any sense, I would tell them that she's normal, just like the professors who taught me at school, except that she's Egyptian. Turns out she's half German. It all made sense the minute she told us. But hell yeah, this kept me wondering. So, punctual people are crazy? El nas eli bet3mel sho3'alaha be zemma, are crazy? WOW Egyptians, no wonder we are like that.
Holland and Obama won the elections with not more than 53% which means that about 47% were against them. They do have midan Tahrir, too btw. Okay, they do not call it midan Tahrir, but you should get my point. The only thing they have and we don't is respect. They respect the opinion of the majority because this is democracy. This is the democracy we want, and this is the democracy people died for. Mel a5er yaany, those who are like "midan el ta7rir mawgood law el ra2is el gedid mesh 3agbna" etleho 3ala 3'aba2ko, ana mesh 3agbny 7agat ketir, bas ana mesh 7amashy 80 million 3ala mazagy, 3ashan el 80 million aslan layomken yetef2o 3ala 7aga wa7da.
Sexual harassment still pisses me off every time I read about it or every time I witness something. I'm not getting used to it, and I'm not planning to get used to it. Starting from the lady who was driving her car in front of me and was sexually harassed by three men sitting in the bus in front of her, ah walahy, giving her the finger and doing inappropriate gestures while laughing, to the guy who got into the metro that is supposed to be for women only and totally pretended that I wasn't talking when I asked him to leave, and then started laughing and making fun of me. Also the girl who kept smiling and was trying to hide her face when I started talking about sexual harassment and the unveiled lady who told me "matza3a2ish lel walad madam ma3amlekish 7aga" talking about the guy who was making fun of me, which made me ask myself, howa ana isA lazem astana sa3ato lama ye3mel 7aga 3ashan atkalm? 7ad 3'ery faker e3lan el wekaya 5ayron men al 3elag?
See, I did not lie, honest people are the best. I told you this was going to be long. Hope you've enjoyed it though, kisses.
The last two weeks probably taught me more than the last three years or something, I'll tell you why and how, just be patient and listen to my stories.
So basically, I've just found out that the biggest problem we face in Egypt is not procrastination, it's also not the traffic, and it is not the lazy people who do not want to work, and it is not the pollution. Our biggest problem, dear readers is.. *drum roll* double standards. You'd laugh if it's a joke about the Jews and you'd think that Hitler is awesome but if the joke is about Muslims and the Arabs dying in *insert the name of any country* you'll tweet and curse and hate and everything. If the niquabi women in front of you is being discriminated against, you'll laugh and blame her, but if the Christian women you know faced any problem you'll start complaining about how minorities don't have rights in Egypt. It's totally okay to say that the west is a bunch of "kafara" but it's totally unfair and oh-my-God-what-do-they-know if they say that we are a bunch of "gahala". It's okay if your son has a girlfriend but it's a catastrophe if your daughter is in love. It's okay if a man has an affair because "el ragel may3eboosh 7aga" but a woman is whore if she has an affair although and also ironically God doesn't know or accept double standards. In front of him we are all equal, our skin color, our religion or our sex is never an excuse. Double standards guys, double standards. And you know what is worse than double standards? Saying that double standards are funny.Because no, they are not.
Apparently people do not grow up when they get older. Turns out, growing up has nothing to do with age and it also does not necessarily depend on what one went through, it depends more on how people regard things and on how they behave. You can be a 10 year old boy and more responsible than a 30 year old man. You can be a 19 year old girl who is now supporting her family financially and you can be a 19 year old girl who still depends on her parents and asks them to solve her problems for her. You can be a lot of things and you can be nothing at all, it just depends on what you want to think about before you fall asleep.
It's kinda funny that a lot of people who go through a lot of shit tend to believe that they are the only ones who go through shit. Contrary to everyone's beliefs everyone goes through a lot of shit. Even if they don't look like the kind of people who go through shit, believe it or not, you might be a privileged bitch compared to her or him. So basically let's stop judging and let's stop giving excuses. I don't know what you went through, it must be real bad though, because I have a lot of problems, too. So I understand. But then again, I control myself and I don't go all psycho over people's asses and that's why I'm going to expect you to behave. Not going to give you any excuses.
Turns out, I'm the kind of person who does not just give second chances or third chances or even fourth, I give *insert any big number* chances. I have no idea why though. I tried to analyze this situation and some others as well. It might be the need, the love, the care, the memories you do not want to waste or the 3ashan-mafish-7al-tany. I seriously am not sure. Or maybe it is the blood that runs in my veins.
They say being with a smart and talented man is a blessing but being with a man who does not know it, is a miracle.Bullshit. They've told me not to show him how great he is because he might just leave. Bullshit. The man I love is a very talented and smart man. He is great beyond imagination. He forgives and gives a lot of chances. He helps others and is always there to listen to them even if he needs someone to listen to him. He makes people laugh and he tries his best to make them feel better. He deserves to know how great he is, this is the least I can do.
There's a huge difference between being strict and between being crazy. A lot warned me, told me she's crazy and too-strict-to-be-true. I take risks, a lot of them. I went and took the course. People would ask me if I'm okay and if I was going to pass this course. Their questions didn't make any sense, I would tell them that she's normal, just like the professors who taught me at school, except that she's Egyptian. Turns out she's half German. It all made sense the minute she told us. But hell yeah, this kept me wondering. So, punctual people are crazy? El nas eli bet3mel sho3'alaha be zemma, are crazy? WOW Egyptians, no wonder we are like that.
Holland and Obama won the elections with not more than 53% which means that about 47% were against them. They do have midan Tahrir, too btw. Okay, they do not call it midan Tahrir, but you should get my point. The only thing they have and we don't is respect. They respect the opinion of the majority because this is democracy. This is the democracy we want, and this is the democracy people died for. Mel a5er yaany, those who are like "midan el ta7rir mawgood law el ra2is el gedid mesh 3agbna" etleho 3ala 3'aba2ko, ana mesh 3agbny 7agat ketir, bas ana mesh 7amashy 80 million 3ala mazagy, 3ashan el 80 million aslan layomken yetef2o 3ala 7aga wa7da.
Sexual harassment still pisses me off every time I read about it or every time I witness something. I'm not getting used to it, and I'm not planning to get used to it. Starting from the lady who was driving her car in front of me and was sexually harassed by three men sitting in the bus in front of her, ah walahy, giving her the finger and doing inappropriate gestures while laughing, to the guy who got into the metro that is supposed to be for women only and totally pretended that I wasn't talking when I asked him to leave, and then started laughing and making fun of me. Also the girl who kept smiling and was trying to hide her face when I started talking about sexual harassment and the unveiled lady who told me "matza3a2ish lel walad madam ma3amlekish 7aga" talking about the guy who was making fun of me, which made me ask myself, howa ana isA lazem astana sa3ato lama ye3mel 7aga 3ashan atkalm? 7ad 3'ery faker e3lan el wekaya 5ayron men al 3elag?
See, I did not lie, honest people are the best. I told you this was going to be long. Hope you've enjoyed it though, kisses.
5/15/2012
To The People Who Try To Make Me A Better Person
So I've been told lately (today) that I'm not really a pure person, or a good listener, also that I'm bit aggressive and harsh and that I really have a very big ego. Unfortunately I'll have to agree with the last 3 points. A total agreement, if you ask me. I'm a very harsh person when I'm pissed off and I tend to be very aggressive. And it is true that my ego is very huge, I barely apologize. I'm also not the purest person you'll ever meet, I don't really forgive people and when I get angry I hurt a lot. And honestly I'm not sure if I'm a good listener or not, I won't lie to you about it. But I'm sure about one thing, which is that I don't fool people, I think I make it clear from the start when I meet anyone that I'm not the cute person they think I am.
Honesty is a virtue. I appreciate it very much, even if you think that what you say pisses me off or that I don't like or don't agree with what you are trying to prove. Even if you think that I don't accept feedback, trying to make me or others become better people will be appreciated, if not at the same moment then at some point in the future. I tend to be close only to those who are honest, even if it hurts, because after all I'm sure that they won't lie to me. I hate it when people lie. It makes me feel that I wasn't worth the truth, and nothing pisses me off more than knowing that I'm not worth something. My honest friends are the closest to my heart, because they have the courage and they are not scared to tell me what they really think of me, also because I tend to believe that they don't say shit about me behind my back, since they get the chance to talk to me personally. Having honest friends is one of the biggest gifts God can give you.
So, I see you asking about my smile and about my positive vibe. No, I don't fake smiling and I'm not trying to lie to anyone. I do really smile a lot because I'm happy and I do really think that life is beautiful and that we need more positive vibe, love, laughter and acceptance, but I'm not perfect. One cannot be positive all the time, but what one can do is be positive most of the time, which is what I've done, and if you ask me, I'm very proud of myself.
I'm not writing this blog post to make excuses and I'm not going to talk about the good things in me. I'm writing it not only because I'm trying to regard a lot of things from the perspective of others but because I'm trying to encourage myself as well as others to be open about our flaws. No need to be embarrassed, we are not perfect, no need to pretend that we are. I will be completely honest, it's not easy, and so far the improvement I see in my personality is very little.. but again I'm trying which is obviously a positive thing. And I definitely think that we start being better people when we understand ourselves, when we see our mistakes and our flaws and when we get introduced to our strengths.
And to the two people who talked to me today, and perhaps didn't get a positive attitude in return, S.K. and I.K. you guys make me look good, even if you think that I'm pissed off. You are doing a super job, thank you, you are truly appreciated :)
Honesty is a virtue. I appreciate it very much, even if you think that what you say pisses me off or that I don't like or don't agree with what you are trying to prove. Even if you think that I don't accept feedback, trying to make me or others become better people will be appreciated, if not at the same moment then at some point in the future. I tend to be close only to those who are honest, even if it hurts, because after all I'm sure that they won't lie to me. I hate it when people lie. It makes me feel that I wasn't worth the truth, and nothing pisses me off more than knowing that I'm not worth something. My honest friends are the closest to my heart, because they have the courage and they are not scared to tell me what they really think of me, also because I tend to believe that they don't say shit about me behind my back, since they get the chance to talk to me personally. Having honest friends is one of the biggest gifts God can give you.
So, I see you asking about my smile and about my positive vibe. No, I don't fake smiling and I'm not trying to lie to anyone. I do really smile a lot because I'm happy and I do really think that life is beautiful and that we need more positive vibe, love, laughter and acceptance, but I'm not perfect. One cannot be positive all the time, but what one can do is be positive most of the time, which is what I've done, and if you ask me, I'm very proud of myself.
I'm not writing this blog post to make excuses and I'm not going to talk about the good things in me. I'm writing it not only because I'm trying to regard a lot of things from the perspective of others but because I'm trying to encourage myself as well as others to be open about our flaws. No need to be embarrassed, we are not perfect, no need to pretend that we are. I will be completely honest, it's not easy, and so far the improvement I see in my personality is very little.. but again I'm trying which is obviously a positive thing. And I definitely think that we start being better people when we understand ourselves, when we see our mistakes and our flaws and when we get introduced to our strengths.
And to the two people who talked to me today, and perhaps didn't get a positive attitude in return, S.K. and I.K. you guys make me look good, even if you think that I'm pissed off. You are doing a super job, thank you, you are truly appreciated :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)