Thankful.

Dear God, this year I won't complain. I will only be thankful and grateful for you have given me a lot. 

Dear God, I want to thank you for my parents. Thank you for making me their daughter and making them my parents. I hope I can one day make them as proud and as happy.
Thank you.

Dear God, I want to thank you for making me get closer to my family this year. I realized this year that family is important. Family is precious. Family is love. Family is sacrifice.
Thank you.

Dear God, I want to thank you for giving me my friends. They help me. They make me happy. They make me rich. I realize now that nothing is more valuable than their love and care.
Thank you.

Dear God, I want to thank you for the past two years that I spent with him. He is what I asked for. He makes me a better person. My life makes more sense around him.
Thank you.

Dear God, I want to thank you for all the people you gave me this year. The new friends I made, the people who changed me, the people who taught me, the people who made me open my heart a little bit more and the people who made me laugh and made me feel loved. I love them all.
Thank you.

Dear God, I want to thank you for the food on the table, the money in my wallet and the medicine I took when I got sick. I realize that I am much more fortunate than others. I hope I never forget that again.
Thank you. 

Dear God, I want to thank you for my education. I realized this year, that education is a privilege because even though it is a right not all people can get it.
Thank you. 

Dear God, I want to thank you for the lessons. This year I learned more than last year. This year I understood more. This year I trust you more than before because I know that you love me. I am now more mature.
Thank you. 

Dear God, I want to thank you for your forgiveness. For without it I wouldn't have any hope left. I hope I can one day forgive people like you do.
Thank you.

Dear God, I want to thank you for the books and the eyes that can read these books. I want to thank you for the ears that can hear their stories and the mind that doesn't forget them, in order to learn. I want to thank you for the mouth that speaks words that can make people feel better and the arms that can hug them and make them feel the love.
Thank you.

Dear God, I want to thank you for my smile. I want to thank you for the heart that has faith and knows how to trust.
Thank you.

Dear God, thank you for giving me endless chances this year and thank you for giving me another chance to thank you.

Dear God, I understand that all the difficult times are supposed to make me stronger. I'm trying.
Thank you for wanting the best for me.

Dear God, I understand now that the sad moments will eventually help me be a better person and I am thankful. I understand that what I lost maybe was never really mine. I understand that you don't want to hurt me. I hope you are proud.
Thank you.

Dear God, I understand now how unfair I sometimes was. I am not as angry anymore.
Thank you for giving me peace. 

Dear God, I realize now that blessings can not be counted and that they won't ever fit in one or even 1000 blog posts. I will never be able to thank you enough.

http://iriskwok.xanga.com/591767017/item/ (English Translation)

                                                            

Invisible.

Dear world, today I was invisible except that I wasn't really invisible.

It all started almost two weeks ago when N.H. told me about that art project she is doing and how she'd need my help to finish it. I was pretty excited when I found out that the project was about the different voices of women in Egypt and that she'll have to photograph me wearing different outfits to be able to represent all kinds of women in our country. Days passed and a few days ago I found her reminding me and asking me if I was still interested to help and of course I was. We decided that the photoshoot was going to take place today around 11:30 which is directly after I finish my 10:00 am class.
The idea was easy yet unique, N.H. wanted to represent all kinds of Egyptian women using different outfits and to change the stereotypes connected to each and every category using placards. We knew exactly what was needed, we needed a headscarf, a cross, an isdal (some sort of a dress that is loose and completely covers the head and body) and a niqab.
I woke up today feeling pretty excited. I love taking pictures, I love every project that revolves around women and to be honest I was pretty much excited about the niqab part although I've always been anti-niqab for different and a lot of reasons.
As soon as I finished my Rhet class I whatsapp-ed N.H. asking her where she was, "Library, first floor" "Okay, I'll be there in a minute". On my way I met a few friends, said hi, stayed for a few minutes with them and then excused myself, however before I could move I was stopped by K.B. who asked me if I was busy with something to which I replied that I'm actually going to help a friend with a project but he was welcome to join us if he wants because "mesh 7atsada2, 7albes niqab we keda, fa ta3ala etfarag hahaha". He in fact decided to come with me.
Together with K.B. or as we all call him K. we went to N.H. who was sitting with some more friends working on the placards only to realize seconds later that we didn't really have the camera at the moment. N.H. decided to leave for a few minutes to bring the camera and K. decided to go see his friend and of course I went with him because I didn't want to stay alone like a total loser. Less than 30 minutes later I found N.H. calling me again and telling me that she was ready to start, so I went again to her however alone this time because K. decided to stay with his friend.
I went there, hold that sign in my hand, took several photos, hold that other sign in my hand, took some more photos, covered my head and again took some photos etc. until it was the moment for the niqabi shots (I actually asked her to make it the last outfit because I wanted to fool around a bit while wearing it).
I wore the brown isdal, covered my head using a black headscarf and waited for N.H and her friend to help me with that thing that should cover my face. I stood there for a few minutes completely blind because they couldn't put it on properly. And then I almost suffocated because they somehow put it on my nose and I couldn't breathe. After several trials we finally managed to get it right and I stood there covered from head to toe and took the pictures.
We finished in less than 10 minutes and as promised it was time for me to have some fun. I got my phone from my bag and the first thing I realized was that I had to take the gloves off because it was impossible to touch the screen with covered fingers. "Does the touchscreen respond?" "Nop, not really, omal ento fakrin el niqab sahl wala eh? HAHAHAHA".
I called K. and asked him to come immediately to the stairs next to the library because I had to show him something, he apologized and said that he was eating but I insisted and then after some please's and wenabi ba2a 3ashan 5atry's he finally said that he was coming.
I stood there waiting for K. and as I was waiting I saw F.S.S. who went to my school but was one year older and whose sister is a very close friend of mine. I smiled and looked at her. She looked at me and the turned her head.
"Shiiit, el bent di te3rafny, I smiled we heya ma3abaretnish"
"Smiled eh bas ya May, ya 7abibty mesh bayen"
"Tab howa mesh bayen en da ana 5ales?"
"La2, akid"
"Eh, daa el bent di beteshta3'al ma3aya, damn ana a3rafha men 4 senin, how come she doesn't recognize me? Yalahwy, heya ezay bet-stare awy kda? Eh da, K. aho geh, we ma3ah N.O."
As soon as K. arrived I ran to him and was like haaa, watcha think, boooy? He replied with a laugh and a "Ye5reb beitek ya magnoona, eh da"
"Yalla, emshy ma3aya, 3ashan A.T. mesh 3ayez yemshy ma3aya wana labsa keda"
"La2, akid mesh 7amshy ma3aky wenty keda"
"Eh ya dude, everyone knows you are Christian, som3etak mesh hatbooz hahaha"
He hesitated for a second but then N.O. told me not to give a shit about what they say and that she will walk with me till I get bored.
We started walking but stopped again after less than two minutes.
"K., el7a2 M.S. ahe, endahha, endaha yalla"
"M. ya M."
M.S. has been my class mate since the first grade and has been a close friend of mine since we were 12. It was all fun and games until that moment.
M.S. almost whispering "Eh da K. ezayak?"
K. "El 7dl, wenty?"
M.S. looks at me for less than a second "Hi" and then immediately looks away "Ana 7dl, kuwayessa, enta bete3mel eh kda?"
K. "Yaany, eshta mashyeen"
M.S. still whispering "Oh, okay, bye".
We laughed and laughed and accused her of being "day3a", I mean she didn't even recognize her close and childhood friend, so wtf?
We were about to move again when I saw my friend and boyfriend's sister H.K. staring at K. and then looking at me and screaming "Ye5reb beitek, eh eli enty 3mlah da? Leh keda yabenty?" Apparently she recognized me through my eyes and eyebrows which were not covered properly. I then spent a few seconds explaining to her what I was doing and that it's some sort of an experiment (I decided that I'm going to call it an experiment since it wasn't fun and games anymore).
"Tab gam3a, I want to meet people I know and see their reactions"
H.K. "Okay yalla neroo7 MUN booth"
On our way to the MUN booth I literally saw how people were staring at me, I could feel their stares on my skin and it burned and it hurt and I hated it. I could almost hear their brains commenting and disapproving. I literally hated it and I remembered how the AUC student and Caravan writer described the day she wore niqab to AUC.
I felt like I was there but was not there. I was there because people were staring and stopping to stare however I had no identity, no one knew who I was, my friends looked at me and didn't know who I was, no one recognized me even when I tried to make eye contact they just looked the other way.
It was hot and I couldn't breathe properly and my eyes hurt and I saw how two security dudes stopped, stared at me, smiled and then continued walking.
We arrived at the booth, to my surprise almost everyone who was there knew me somehow, I expected someone to recognize me and laugh, I had told them earlier anyway that I was helping a friend with a photoshoot. But no, they didn't. Y.M. looked at me and turned around, a guy and a girl who talked to me before literally started moving in the opposite direction after they stared at me. I wanted to shout at them and tell them "Heeyyy, it's me guys, it's meeeee", but I didn't.
I don't clearly remember the following few minutes but I do know that someone told them it was me, and that someone removed the veil to make sure it was really me. I asked where H.A.F. was, I knew for a fact that she'd know it's me, she has been one of my closest friends since I was 4 and she is friends with N.H. and she knew about the project. I asked them to call her name, and to pretend that I am some niqabi girl who is asking about MUN. They did, and she hesitated at first, she didn't want to come but after a few "yalla ba2a ya H. ta3aly" she came. She didn't look at me, she totally ignored my existence and talked to someone else. I tried to make eye contact and she tried to look at me to find out who the fuck I was. I stood there for a few seconds before realizing that I was really invisible. "A7a ya H. enty begad mesh 3arfa en da ana? A7a, a7a yaany", I said, "Yanhar eswed, yanhar eswed, wana a3rafek ezay wenty 3amla keda yaany?"
She was right, heya fe3lan 7at3rafny ezay wana 3amla keda? I'm no one, no identity, no face, no one knows who I am, no one is interested to know who I am. After several requests to take it off I decided to go back to N.H. and on our way back (K. , N.O. , and H.K. were all with me) I again felt the stares burning my skin. Funny thing one of my relatively new friends (I only know him since last year O.D.) recognized me and asked me "Eh eli enty mehabebah da?". Well, at least two people knew who I was.
All three K., H.K. and N.O. admitted that they felt how people were staring, so it wasn't only me then.
So I finally got back to N.H. took a picture (some of my friends didn't even recognize me in that picture later) of myself and took it off, and yes I admit it, it was a bad experience but it took me a while to realize that.

It wasn't a bad experience because people are judgmental. Those who know me know that I don't give a damn whether someone is judging me or not. It also wasn't a bad experience because people were staring, as an Egyptian woman I have to deal with the stares on daily basis. And it wasn't a bad experience because it wasn't as fun as I expected it to be. It was a bad experience because I hated being invisible, I hated not having an identity, I hated how the closest people to me had no idea who I was. I hated how I wasn't there while directly standing next to them.
I do not ever want to be invisible again. I am a woman, I exist, I have rights. I am here and I AM FREE.